Sex & R/ships: R&B – RAPE AND BEG RELATIONSHIPS by KAREN YOUNG

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Sunday, September 4th, 2011

I first heard of this strange term when I was in my second year in university and whenever I think about it I still have the same feeling of incredulity I did the very first time I heard it. Allow me to take you back to a conversation that ensued between a friend and I in the year 2004.

“Rape and beg? What in the world is that?” I asked Stephanie my roommate one evening after our last lecture.
She had looked at me incredulously.

“Are you kidding? Everybody in school knows what rape and beg means, half the relationships you see in this school started out as R&B. That’s the new of song in town,” she said as she laughed heartily.

I didn’t get the joke but I was intrigued.

“Go on Steph” I urged.

And yes she went on; Stephanie went on and indeed schooled me that day.

Let me explain rape and beg relationships succinctly in my own words.

First, boy meets girl ___ Boy makes his interest in girl known ____ Girl likes boy but isn’t sure if he is good enough to be seen around town with ___ Boy invites girl out for drinks ___ girl forgets her past reservations towards him and accepts thinking, where is the harm, I might as well ____ boy and girl end up in boy’s bedroom, they start making out ___ girl gets uneasy when she realizes it is going too far ___ boy presses on ____ girl says “no” ____ boy ignores the “no” thinking, girls always say no when they mean yes anyway ___ boy forces his way and they have sex ___ girl is distressed ___boy pleads and apologizes before he takes girl back home ___ the next day boy calls girl and apologizes again ____ girl relents and agrees to see boy again ___ next time sex isn’t forced because she thinks we’ve already done it once, we might as well do it again ____ boy and girl see each other more often and a relationship blossoms. End of story.

This new knowledge shocked me to no great end; have women become so meek that they don’t see anything wrong with being raped? Or was this the new “thing” with relationships?

After much rumination, I came to the conclusion that some women in our society would rather carry on seeing someone who forcefully had his way with them while others would simply keep avoid the perpetrator as opposed to being faced with the rape stigma. Even worse, some women think forceful sex can only be called rape when extra violence is used and serious bodily harm occurs, a flawed thinking at its best. The fact that you said “no” and meant it (even if you are attracted to him but aren’t ready to be sexually intimate with him just yet) and he still went ahead to exert pressure on you and force his way in, then he has raped you.

Men jokingly say that half the time a woman says ‘no’, she actually means yes. Wrong. It is this kind of accepted mindset that allows men exert pressure on a woman they are determined to sleep with. A woman’s ‘no’ will truly mean no only when women learn to speak out and stand up and fight against being sexually assaulted or overpowered by a forceful male.

I end this story sincerely hoping that the R&B phenomenon is a thing of the past. If  you have had or know someone that has had a similar experience please feel free to share.

N.B: there is a select group of women with masochistic tendencies who only enjoy sex when it is violent, obviously this article does not apply to them.

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