Sex & Relationships: ‘ANAL’-YZE THIS

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Sunday, August 21st, 2011

I have a weird knack for getting myself into sticky situations. A good example is the one I got myself embroiled in two weeks ago. I was having after-work drinks with some of my best gals at a local bar one Friday evening when out of nowhere one of us suggested we all reveal the weirdest thing we had ever done sexually. Seeing as most of us were already smashed to the hilt (we had been downing cocktails since 8pm), we all readily agreed to participate. Suffice it to say that the revelations I heard that night shocked, disgusted and amused me all in one, but it was one particular revelation that had me reeling in shock.

Before I continue, permit me to toss in a splash of the not-so-recent sexual mindset of the Nigerian society.

Don’t be puzzled, read sharp.

In recent times, our society has adopted a sort of laissez-faire attitude towards homosexuality, people no longer raise an eyebrow when they see a gang of “pink boys” giggling loudly and dancing with themselves in the club or a group of girls at the mall slouching around bare-faced in sagged jeans, over-size t-shirts and corn rows; this never used to be the case. In the past, men who exuded feminine traits were either ostracized by their male counterparts or worse, beaten up until they ‘manned up‘. But despite the fact that homosexuality is no longer an issue for raised eyebrows in most parts of the world, most gay people in Nigeria would rather hide in the closet than come out and be ridiculed. Although there are a select few who secretly admit to being bi-sexual, most people would rather not.

Now, let me continue with my revelation.

We all sat open-mouthed as Tolani told us about her last sexual escapade with her boyfriend Mark. According to Tolani, that evening Mark had taken her out on a surprise dinner date and by the time they got back to Mark’s apartment they were in the mood for some crazy wild sex, and boy did they have a wild one! With our mouths still agape (at that moment, the fear of flies swooping into our mouths was the last thing on our minds), we listened in shock as Tolani told us how she had worn a strap-on dildo and had anal sex with her boyfriend, Mark while he screamed in ecstasy. She proceeded to tell us how that night was the most amazing night of her life; blissfully unaware of the trauma she had caused us with the new knowledge we had just gained.

Managing to shake off my shock, I took a sip of my frozen margarita and blurted:

“So, did he cum”?

My question seemed to break the weirdness because everyone erupted in laughter.

“Of course he did” Tolani retorted hotly as she glanced away slyly.

All mirth escaped me the instant I heard her reply.

“You’ve got to be kidding me”! I said, raising my voice as I stared at her incredulously.

“Oh my goodness Tolani that means Mark is gay,” I cried.

My face was the perfect picture of astonishment.

I instantly regretted my words as a collective gasp spread around the table and everyone turned to Tolani to gauge her reaction.

She was livid.

“How dare you say that nonsense Karen Eloke Young!” she screeched,
“So because my boyfriend enjoys that kind of sex you think you can conclude that he’s gay”? She added angrily.

It took all my will power not to smack her in the head and make her see my point.

“Karen, I think you should apologize” Sophia murmured and nudged my leg from underneath the table.
I nodded and did just that.

Sadly, my gaffe brought the rather interesting night to an abrupt end. Tolani pleaded a headache and left with Sophie, I knew she was still slightly miffed at me and I made a mental note to apologize to her again the next day.

I drove home that night mulling over what happened, and the more I thought I about it, the more the questions kept coming, questions whose answers eluded me worse than the slyest fox. I began to doubt the accuracy of my earlier judgment of Mark, was I too close-minded to accept the fact that different people had different sexual appetites that ranged from plain old kinky to downright bizarre?

Where does one draw the line when it comes to bi-sexuality and homosexuality?

Where do you draw the line between being ‘bi-curious‘ and ‘bi-sexual‘?

Would my judgment of Mark be different if he didn’t attain orgasm from the act Tolani performed on him?

Does the fact that a man achieves orgasm when his anus is stimulated or penetrated make him gay?

The questions keep coming and the possibilities are endless. Tell me what you think.
Anal’yze this’.

Photo Credit: Guetan Elito

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