Sex & Relationships: THE ‘INSIGNIFICANT’ OTHER by Karen Young

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Sunday, August 14th, 2011

I have always been a proud woman, prouder than most I must confess; but as they say pride cometh before a fall and when I fell I fell hard and fast. I met Dayo randomly through some friends at one of the popular nightclubs in Victoria Island, Lagos and unlike most relationship stories we didn’t hit it off at first, there was no instant connection, I didn’t even think he was my type and so the possibility that we would ever be romantically involved never crossed my mind at the time. (More After The Jump)

Now lets fast-forward to two months after our first meet.

I accidentally bumped into Dayo again at Mega Plaza, V.I one extremely hot Saturday afternoon, I barely even recognized him as the same person I was introduced to a few months before until he re-introduced himself and reminded me of our first meeting. From the way he kept throwing glances at me as we stood on the payout queue I could tell he was interested in me, and as I walked to my car laden with grocery bags I could hear him hurrying to catch up, I smiled secretly knowing exactly what was next. We exchanged numbers and bb pins and this is where the story unfolds…

After series of late night chats with Dayo I started thinking, Hmmm, he’s not that bad after all and from this one thought came a downward spiral.

Soon enough he asked me out on a date and I accepted, we met for drinks at a quiet bar in Ikoyi the following weekend and I had a great time. Dayo was a good listener and when he wasn’t listening he was witty as hell. That evening ended with a quick kiss on the lips at my doorstep and me floating upstairs to my bedroom on a cloud, smiling secretly to myself at the thought that I had finally found a perfect gentleman.

And thus began a whirlwind romance that lasted for exactly three months and eleven days. I say “whirlwind” because everything began and ended so fast.

Dayo never officially asked me to be his girlfriend but I didn’t let this bother me because I was used to guys claiming that no guy “toasts” a babe these days, rather people just flow into relationships, so I assumed if we were spending this much time together and had already gotten intimate surely I must be his girlfriend. First mistake.

Sex between us came naturally; I had no qualms with giving in to Dayo’s persistence for sex because as I foolishly thought, after all he’s my boyfriend, its only right that we sleep together.

Another mistake.

We spent endless hours indoors watching TV or generally talking about every topic we fancied, at first I kept asking him why he hardly ever took me anywhere but when he kept brushing my questions aside I let it be, I figured it was all good as long as he was spending time with me regardless.

Major error.

A few weeks before everything ended between us, Dayo’s attitude did a complete 360; he stopped calling as often as he used to, he stopped sending me our usual early morning bbm messages and on the final week he gave up all pretense of caring about me. I called him constantly but got no response, whenever I bbmed him he would read my message and not reply. I was confused and hurt, what did I do wrong I kept asking myself over and over again.

What made matters worse was that I had no one to turn to. This was when it hit me; Dayo had never actually introduced me to any of his friends or family members.

Bottom-line: no one knew about us but us.

Suffice it to say that it wasn’t until the relationship came to an abrupt end that I realized how naïve I had been. I had deluded myself that I was Dayo’s significant other when what I really was was insignificant. I was crushed, I had heard numerous tales about women falling victim to players that use you for as long as they want and then leave you hanging when they were done with you but I never imagined I would fall victim to one. So one day after I wiped my tears, I sat down and looked at everything that happened between Dayo and I objectively, then I saw things I hadn’t seen before, mistakes most women make when they meet someone new and the bullshit they fall for just because they want to be able to say “I gat a man”.

Here are the signs that you are an ‘insignificant’;

1. He never actually officially asked you to be his girlfriend; you assumed you were his babe.
2. He has never introduced you to his friends or family members (or even when he does, he introduces you as his ‘friend’ not ‘girlfriend’)
3. He constantly shies away from being seen with you in public.
4. He never shows you any form of affection when he does take you out, and his excuse is usually “I don’t like PDA” (yeah right).
5. When you bring up talks of your future with him, he is usually very vague.
6. He never uses the word ‘we’, its always ‘you and I’.

Already having that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach? Yeah, well welcome to the lonely hearts club.

I implore you not to make the mistake of thinking that these signs above are a definite way of determining if you are an insignificant other, sadly some men have mastered the art of making you feel significant when all you are is insignificant to them, they tell you everything you want to hear with such sincerity that one cannot help but believe them, some even go as far as introducing you to their family members and friends (shocking right?). This breed of men will promise to build you a bridge even where there is no river; women have more to fear from this type than from any other. As much as I would like to elaborate on the modus operandi of this breed of men, I’ll save it for another day.



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